Zenger

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's 4am and I can't fucking sleep. I'm happy but I'm terrified of it so what I do is, perpetually sabotage anything and everything worth while.

What else am I sabotaging? School for one thing, I'm pretty sure I'm the textbook definition of "unmotivated", I keep telling myself "I'll try, I'll try"-- but it never ends up that way. It's not like it's difficult as far as work goes (seriously, you should see the kids that get "A's"); it's the getting up and actually going part, that gets to me. I keep wondering if its worth it for me.

That was my rant for the moment--here's the happy part: Top 10! Beginning of summer!

1. Warm weather *it's about fucking time!
2. Cassie coming home " "
3. Buying equipment
4. Brunch and mimosas
5. All day adventures with one charming boy
6. Liking someone for longer than 2 weeks!
7. School being over for the summer
8. Fireworks, lighting them inside cars
9. Flowers, every kind (especially the smell of lilacs)
10. New makeup (makes me all giddy)


Things I dislike:
1. Working (god i hate it)
2. losing my bank card (idiot)
3. Brian Butera, phone thief extraordinaire

Explain to me, the reasoning!

When you have zero of something--no hope in sight.
When you have one of something--three more follow.

I'm referring to dudes, in case you aren't aware LJ is a outlet for people to complain about their significant (or not so significant) other(s) and right now I have only one complaint, or maybe it's more of a question.... Where did they all come from!??

I gave up drinking for lent, I gave up thinking too--but only certain thoughts and certain memories. Have you ever had such a realization that it's almost too good to be true?

I walked into a place and saw the dreaded "ex", but for the FIRST TIME, I didn't feel the need to say hi, or l the need to cry, or the need to pretend to be overly happy and flirt with every guy in sight just to make him jealous. It's all very new. I'm not going to lie and say I don't think about him, not a day passes that I don't, but it's different now--distant even.
Could it be? I'm over him? Maybe it's the..the... sober talking?

ENOUGH, of that garbage-I have a crush on two boys. Got my type (good jaw) on lock down.

God dammit, the fact that he's online is taunting me. Just sitting there all smug in front of his computer. So agitating. Sometimes when I'm angry I'll rename people on my ichat, for instance "Lamefagdouche" was one of my favorites or "DON'T TALK TO ME" (also pretty good). I think I'll rename this person..."fuckingstupid" for a multitude of reasons.

Valentines day doesn't really bother me, especially when I'm the one being showered in gifts and flowers, but also it's nice to see boys buying flowers, even when they aren't for you--all clueless like, wandering around grocery stores and florists. Amusing at the very least.

Still a part of me wishes I had something. Not someone, just something. I'm starting to notice when I get sad or upset I immediately crank the itunes up to modest mouse. I have a pattern I guess.


I don't like having to drive past all the places I used to go with someone, by myself. This week was definitely NOT a good week to give up my vice. I could really use a glass of vino.

I always want italian food after watching the sopranos which, coincidentally makes me not want to sleep at 4am (ohp make it 5am) on a weekday. I've become somewhat obsessed and occasionally I find myself talking like a 50 year old italian mob boss, it's ridiculous.

Other than television on DVD, I have work--how do I even begin to describe the horror that is working at the barnes and noble cafe? Can't. THANKFULLY I put my two weeks in and soon it will be over. A friend (cassie) asked me "what are you going to do to live" honestly haven't figured that one out quite yet but I'm sure (hopefully) I'll come up with something.

As for my social life? I'm crushing maddddd hard, only problem you ask? Duh my favorite ex boyfriend! I swear the man has fucking radar, "Oh jess is happy? Gotta get in there and fuck it up!" Nope not this time, I'll be in charge of that. The weird (not actually that weird) part is, days before this crush began I was wishing to be with the ex, calling him dramatically at 4am (always a good idea) sobbing, being my failure self and what did he do (other than use me to raise his ego)? He told me to leave him alone and hung up on me. Awesome. Thanks! Days later, like clockwork, poof! there he is again. ??!?!?!?!?!?!? Riiiighhhhhhtttt.

Whatever I'm over it, I have more important things to do right now AKA watch ghost hunters.

<3's
JesssssssssssssSICa

My friends all have new friends. I'm in a constant state of desolation.


I don't think I've been as good a friend as I think I've been. I guess I have to try harder, but maybe we're all in different places? I won't place the blame on anyone but myself.....


fuck.

I feel it's about time for an update.

I'm now 21.
Shock & Awe/ONE was a success, we raised about a grand for the ONE campaign.
I got a new job.
I want to learn about hinduism.
I am cougar (sort of).
I love elephants (not new).


I will probably be infatuated with something soon, during which I will update again.

These two gals are awesome:
By far the cutest. Amy, thanks for always being around, not only because you have to (cause we live together) but because you sometimes want to ;)

Kaitertot, I love you girl... Thanks for being the most fun, and listening to me bitch.


These two gals I miss:
I can't wait to see you in chi town, and I promise it shall be soon.

I'm so proud of your internship, you will make so many awesome friends, but don't you dare forget me!

This tunnel goes for miles, I keep hoping for light to shine at the other end, but Instead I only tread water, shallow mucky water. My thoughts, my actions, other peoples actions, are what fills my head. Nothing worth while. Nothing motivational. I am happy. I am happy. I keep telling myself everything is fucked, but I'm completely over exaggerating. I am wallowing in my own self-fucking-pitty. I refuse to confine myself to this hole. I am not settling anymore.

Is reassurance actually just forced happiness?
Who are you reassuring?


"Hello,
down low,
I don't know who I want to be."

I'm well Aware of my tedious promoting. But if I can't promote on LJ, where can I promote? This is the third installment of Shock and Awe, and I think it's going to be the best yet. I'm extremely proud of how far we've gotten and I can barely restrain my excitement. I hope everyone can make it out, and if not (due to distance, prior engagements, etc) I'll raise my glass and dance on behalf of you.

Thanks to Frank, Kaitlin, Jena, Amy, Mcq, Brandon, Patrick and whom ever else I've forgotten, for all of the help you've contributed <3 YOU!

If anyone needs more info or wants to see past party pictures check out the space:
myspace.com/shockandaweparty

J. Zenger

Isabella said it best in her most recent LJ post. The roof is just someplace where we belong. Some people are aware, others just aren't.

Photo documentation for all the fine folks who aren't able to see it in person, and for all of those who are and want to respect it's beauty. Night pizza with the kitty cats, allentown art festival (one of the biggest art festivals in the united states) with ice tea, lemonade, frozen watermelon cubes, and vodka (AKA the most delightful drink ever created--Thanks to myself and kaitlin)

The roof top, in it's night time lonely glory.




The playtime-daytime watching street performers.
Interpretive dance is where it's at!!!

Who's wearing the REAL raybans?!!? (and who owns them, ha)

So, it's officially summer time. Which means:  TOP 10!!!!  (In no particular order)

1. Warm Weather
2. The Square (A.K.A. being able to drink publicly and underage without ridicule)
3. Cassandra being HOME! (and hoping that someone else : eh hem :Sam:: will come back as well)
4. Dresses, and shorts.
5. Being able to wear such things without looking skankalicous.
6. Outside Dining.
7. Allentown art festival or Allentown in general.
8. Swimming every moment I get.
9. Healthy eating habits.
10.  THE FUCKIN' BEACH!!!! (I have yet to go, and I'm sure when I get a chance, it will be everything I knew it would be)
10.5. MY BEACH HOUSE, AND THE MANY PARTY'S I WILL BE HAVING THERE!!!  ALL LJ FRIENDS ARE WELCOME!

So yeah thats the jist of it (for right now, but there will be more top 10's and soon) Summer is in full swing and I hope everyone is loving it just as much as I am, because if you aren't then you need to get your head out of your anus and breathe it in. Summer music mix's are being created and calenders are getting full. Save the date for these important events:
    Allentown Art festival,
    Shock and awe june 29th,
    Fourth of July Fireworks at the beach house,
    Beachin' beverages and bon fires all night every night!!

Check back for the second installment of "Summer time Top 10!" along with many photo diaries and love.
<3's IT!
Jessa

Chocolate and ginger ale, surprisingly, DO NOT MIX. My two favorite things and well-- they taste like ass when consuming the two of them together.


I won't go off the deep end and use it as some crazy metaphor for my life, but it did force me to think.

Updates: School is at the end of the line with me, one week and I can forget the fact I (probably) did horrible. Me and my boyfriend (Alcohol) are still going strong as we add a new blond headed face to our regime (Bob). As for the rest of the soldiers (all of my female friends) some have debts (actual and to society) others have duct tape holding their car together and others have moved back to lesser areas of the state (LI).They are still beautiful /wonderful and will remain the loveliest of the lovelies.

I need a release and that release tonight will be....dancing. I'm a +1 to a pretty golden haired lass.

APRIL 2Oth (420) SOUNDLAB 110 pearl street! GO GO GO GO GO

click here and use the soundlab website for directions!!

-Jess!!!!!!!!!!!

Nonsensical madness has overcome my life. While the rest of the world turns; I sit still, oh so still. I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep, the overwhelming amount of alcohol consumption or if it's nothing at all, and everything is in my head (I'm guessing it's a combination of all three). Nonetheless I’m working on it. I refuse to write anymore-confusing sentences--I hate not being shallow.

Here's some man candy for your eyes to feast on.


Strangely these two are both on DNA models and both dating--me.
In fact, as we speak (type) they are together...in my bed…waiting for me to come home.

Don't be jealous-

**EDIT**
So what? I wanted to write more during my (freezing) work hours. Which brings me to my next statement; I may or may not have a minor crush on a boy that works here (my office). He's very much so NOT my type/style but I gotta tell ya, the boy has some nice blue ones (eyes, perverts).  I think I crush because it would NEVER happen and that seems to fit my very well constructed pattern. Oh I can't have you? I must have you.

HAPPY 19th (again) BIRTHDAY JENA!! **MARCH 19th**
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY AMY!! **MARCH 31st**
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY KAITLIN!! **APRIL 6th**


       
This lady is partizaying for all three of you girls. 

The three best ladies deserve the three best birthdays, Lets rejoice and celebrate them emerging from their mothers womb!!!WOOO

ps: Jena, I know I'm a bit late on letting everyone know about your 19th birthday--but I say better late then never!

This is what my brain is filled with:

I am a never ending snot factory--no matter how many times I blow my nose.

I keep having fantasies about Sabres players (or Justin Timberlake or Ryan Reynolds or Gael Garcia) sweeping me off my feet and feeding me my cherry nyquil then giving me foot rubs. The voice of my mom telling me to get out of bed usually ends the fantasy for me.

I just found out my theraflu has a hallucinogen in it. My plan is to overdose on it and trip balls. PARTY TIME!

And now I'm going to search for puppies online :)

LOVESIT!
-jessa
ps:

I look at apartments and furniture I can't afford online, all day long...

Excuse my poor language, and grammar--I'm far to angry to come up with anything clever enough to take the place of "fuck".


I hate when I find out I'm right after all, and I've never wanted to be so wrong-- I wish I was wrong.

I feel physically ill. I feel, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I can't stand it when people have the nerve to bitch about their own controllable mess, and its probably because I'm so full of disdain. But when I do it, I expect everyone to drop to their knees and kiss my poor pathetic feet. Goddamned I know it's my own fault. I KNOW, but FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, do I wish I didn't, because ignorance is bliss my fellow friends--fucking' bliss. And I'm sorry to those of you I've brushed off--I'm an asshole.

My eyes need lubrication and I just can't seem to muster up the...the.. whataya call em'? Whatever, it doesn't matter because I'm just going to pretend this entire day was a horrible nightmare and when I wake up, it will be a new day, a whole new shitty day.

-Debbie Downer

I hate America's Funniest Home Videos, I hate when people try to write all deep and shit but just end up sucking, I hate you, I hate the wind in the winter when you have to walk a half a mile to class, I hate not having a car even for an hour, I hate biting my lips and tasting blood, I hate....
It's such a strong word, and I know I shouldn't use it. I'm done, I've had my release.


I'm not old enough to look back and sing "oh la la" but I'm not young enough to forget what I've learned, everything I've "figured out"--god what does that even mean?

I can't even look in the mirror at night, or at a window without curtains. I don't know shit about shit...

When you and your significant other break up and the friends that you once had because of said person depart and start to hate you.

It happens on both sides, and it's perfectly normal. You know it sucks going through a breakup, you know that person probably dislikes you, and to top it off all of their friends do too. 

Every friend must do it, "she/he sucks, it's not worth it" blah blah blah, to ease the pain. And the said truth is, they don't know--they can only ever "understand" one side of the story.

And if you and that person ever go back out, the friends that are just being friends warn you tell you "no, don't do it" Making awkward situations even more awkward and causing fights--only because they want to protect you and they don't want to see you hurt. Don't hold it against your friends, don't hold it against their friends. Its human nature.

I've personally been through this on both ends of the spectrum,  I've watched friends go through this, I've seen "exs" go through this --and it sucks.

I vow to try and be understanding, and helpful--I will still do the "he's/she's lame" because they probably are for which ever reason it is that they are no longer with you. But if ever the case of "reincarnation" occurs-- I will support and love their decisions, because although I might not agree, they are my friends and I don't ever want to lose them. <3